Vatican to Canonise David Blaine

Senior cardinals at the Vatican today confirmed that master illusionist David Blaine would indeed be beatified in the forseeable future.  “Mr Blaine has demonstrated far more than the normal quota of miracles needed for the process of canonisation,” said Cardinal Innocent Paul III (Vatican North) “And under the circumstances we feel that this has given us more than sufficient grounds to overlook his lack of religious conviction, apparent contempt for his own God-given life and his winky goatee beard.”

David Blaine, well known for illusions such as the “standing on one leg” trick and the “flipping through some cards and stopping then starting again” trick, has not yet responded to the announcement, having been in the middle of…a…very…slow…sentence.  His agent, Jan Janowicz, was, however, thrilled on his behalf; “We feel this is a very great honour for David and we are all very proud…We also hope this might stop him being denounced as a satanic devil-worshipping warlock by the administrations of Texas, Alabama and Mississippi.” Governor Bush B. Bushbush Bush of Texas was quick to deny allegations of intolerance; “All we suggested was that David might like to attempt another of the endurance challenges for which he is so famous…In this case, seeing whether he could survive being crushed under a large rock while we stand around screaming “Die, servant of Satan, die!” and poking him with red-hot irons for six, or perhaps even seven, days. Depending on Mr Blaine’s availability.”

David Blaine first came to the attention of the Vatican at an ecumenical symposium last Epiphany. “We were sitting in front of the TV, havin’ a Bud, when this guy comes on and starts doing all this crazy shit,” said Cardinal Richelieu Utoxeter (Vatican East). “He was, like, bringin’ dead birds back to life and levitatin’ and sayin’, like, pick a card, any card, and they were like, yeah, right, and they’d pick a card and he’d, like, pull it out his dick or some fucked up shit. It was whack.”; “We were like, dude, that guy is SO canonised,” added Cardinal Basil Brush Cardinal (Vatican West).

So far, little opposition has come forward regarding the proposal, although the Nation of Welsh Islam has expressed its disapproval that there should be any St. Davids not originating in Wales, “Even if his hood is the real dope O.G. shit, yakkida bach boyo,” said spokesperson Jones the Elijah Mohammed. There is, however, time for a change of heart at the Vatican; Mr Blaine cannot be canonised until after his demise, although this is not expected to be long in coming. "He’ll probably, like, see how long he can be crushed under a huge rock or some shit,” said Cardinal Uxbridge Ribbentrop (Vatican Upstairs). “Or maybe he’ll like, die, then come back, like, a second time…whoa, what a concept…”. Rumours that Pope John Paul II is planning to freeze himself in a huge block of ice are unfounded. (Reuters)