Blair tells nation: “I’d leave it a bit if I were you”

Prime Minister Tony Blair today went live on national television to warn the British people that he’d just done a “monster dump” in the Downing Street toilet.

“That was a real dive-bomber”, he told an expectant nation, “and the skids go right the way round the bend”.

Accordingly, the electorate should think very hard indeed before contemplating using the bathroom themselves:

“You might want to use the loo downstairs or something. It’s dead ripe in there,” he told a roomful of journalists at a subsequent press conference.

Moreover, Blair expressed his fear that the worse was yet to come, when he said, “there’s a strong possibility that it may turn out to be a floater”.

Sources close to Gordon Brown, the Chancellor, expressed their disquiet at the Prime Minister’s course of action: “He always does this when he’s had a curry. I know he can’t really help it, but, I mean, really… And you can tell he’s secretly quite proud of producing such an enormous turd”, they said, adding, “Of course, Gordon does much bigger shits when he’s had a bit of All-Bran, but he doesn’t make such a big deal about it”.