Scientists to fix “Bugs”


Today in Geneva Europe’s top scientists agreed upon a mutual treaty to “…stamp out insect stupidity once and for all…”. Dorothy L. Sayers, speaking from the conference, said; “This is a historic day for insects everywhere. For years, bluebottles, houseflies, gnats and many others have had to endure banging their heads agains windows, walls, other insects and soft fruit instead of making progress up the evolutionary ladder. We intend to help them by arsing around with their genetic makeup.”

The plan, as it stands, is to give the offspring of each fly captured, the brain of an adult male orang-utan (or “Old Man of the Woods”), whether by re-structuring of the genetic code of the babies, or by direct transplant from an orang-utan to the baby housefly or other insect. Prior tests in this field have been encouraging, leaving aside the minor detail of the orang-utan (or sometime chimpanzee) brain falling out of the tiny crainial cavity of the insect into a squidgy mess on the floor. “Obviously, some problems with rejection will be experienced,” said Charles “AAAH! Worship me for I am Genetic God!” Billabong. When asked whether he was “playing God”, Mr Billabong merely chuckled and hid beneath a hastily constructed neon loop of cheesy quasi-UV light.

“Every time a bluebottle hits its head against the glass, it loses 30 braincells, or 70% of its total brain matter,” said some biologist. “We must save this fragile species from the fragile balance of the fragile Earth’s fragile ecosystem”. Gaah! Biology! It’s almost as bad as Jane Frigging (Yes, that was her real middle name) Austen! Ooh, I’ve dropped my handkerchief and it had some precious microbes on it, Mr Darcy! Oh, I despair.