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Beatles to be honoured
It was confirmed yesterday that across England a number of hills are being renamed in honour of the world's favourite pop group, the Beatles. In the Lake District, 'Pillar is to be renamed 'Ifi Fell', 'Great End' is to lose its prefix and become 'The End' and the Langdale cliff of 'Pavey Ark' is to be called 'Ivejustseena Face'. Elsewhere in the country, Ditchling Beacon on the South Downs near Brighton is to be called 'Dontletme Down', 'The Wrekin' near Telford, is to become 'Slow Down', and 'Yes Tor' in Dartmoor is now to be known as 'I'm Down'.
Not only hills are to receive this treatment - 'Kirkstone Pass', north of Ambleside, is to lose its name in favour of 'Allthingsmust Pass'. The Pennine Way will also be affected. 'Pen-Y-Ghent', one of the 'Three Peaks of Yorkshire', is to be called 'Thefoolonthe Hill' and in a move already widely criticised by the National Trust, 'Jacob's Ladder', a route up to the Kinder Scout Plateau, is to be called 'Obladi-ob Ladder'.

Lottery winner rich presisely in accordance with his wildest dreams
Lucky lottery winner Simon Rabbitsfoot, of 49 Gopsea Gardens, Ispog, was celebrating last night after winning the jackpot on the national lottery.
"As soon as I found I'd won, I open a bottle of Blue Nun and let off a party popper", said Simon, the lucky swine (*delete that bit - ed). "Tommorow I intend to go out and buy a Renault Megane, and possibly look at buying a house somewhere on the outskirts of Slough, just like I've always wanted. This should leave me with just the right amount of cash for a lifetimes supply of smarties.".
Lottery Headquarters released a statement congratulating Simon, first on winning the money, and secondly for being the world's most boring man.

Sack Quack Jack Snack Rack Pack Zack Attack
A GP working for the ISPOG surgery was fired yesterday for not really being a doctor. The incident came about after he threw a self-assembly kit for a rack used for storing snack food at local resident Zack Davies.

Mac: Yak Hack Vac Whack Lacks Knack of Back Smack
A Yac from ISPOG zoo was hit with a vacuum cleaner yesterday. A vistor at the zoo, Mac Packinghack, aged 5, stated that the Yak would have been able to defend itself if had been able to hit his attacker, backwards.

Nut screws washers and bolts
A madman escaped from ISPOG hopsital for the criminally perfectly sane yesterday, breaking into the local launderette. Jack Turd, who cannot be named for legal reasons, sexually assaulted three of the staff, and made his escape before police arrived.

King Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong
The 43rd meeting of the ISPOG amateur dramatics society errupted into an argument last saturday, after it was suggested that their forthcoming musical production of "King Kong" should include a somewhat irrelevant song about table tennis.